I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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