I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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