Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
