Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Say something about gay babies.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
