Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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