Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
