last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
