Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I could fuck to npr.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
