And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
