i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
