Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
