I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
