Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
