i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I woke up under a house in Key West
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
