Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so let's talk penis.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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