I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You're breaking my sexual little heart
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
