He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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