I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
