Do you still have your period?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
