i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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