I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
