Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
