Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Randomize
