hotel room ftw
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
