did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
