Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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