this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
