Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
