Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
