I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
