I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
