my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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