i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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