i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
