hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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