My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
