Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
