So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I love you.
Bad choice
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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