you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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