i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
