So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
