I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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