Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
