I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think i got beer on your cat.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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