you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
