we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
