I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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