He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
