remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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