I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
