It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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